Afraid of the Dark

Hi, My name is Ashlee.

I'm 23 years old and I'm afraid of the dark.

Seriously. 

I always have been, most likely always will be. 

During my recent hospital stay, my nurse came in at 0700 for vitals and asked if I ever slept.. because she noticed that my lights and TV were on all night. After I told her what was up, she made fun of me for being a "big girl" now and still being scared. haha.

I used to need several lights on during the night but since I've been married, I've had to compromise with my husband. Now we just leave the hall light on and keep the door wide open - when he's home. 

& when he's not, I sleep on the couch with the TV and all 3 lights on! I used to keep my kids with me too but it's not fair that I subject them to my fears. So now I put them to bed in the dark.. in hopes that they don't grow up to be big scaredy cats like me.

It's extremely bad when I've watched a scary movie (which almost never happens because, well, I'ma scaredy cat!) More than once I've made my husband hold my hold through the house to get me to wherever I need to go. 

And he's such an instigator. He doesn't quite understand my fear and loves to turn lights off on me. I think he just enjoys my ridiculous reaction (which usually involves screaming like a 5 year old with tears ready to roll down my face)

The good news is.. We don't pay for electricity, thanks USMC. haha.

What are you afraid of?

Cry Now, Laugh later.

And that's just what I did.

Have you ever had cramps, or sore muscles or some unexplained pain anywhere on your body...

...And then looked it up on WebMD?

That's me. EVERY time. 

So the latest was cramping and low back pain- but it wasn't that time of the month. So what gives?

Cervical Cancer.

I was convinced.

Just so you don't think I'm completely loony, my grandmother passed away (before I ever met her) from  cervical cancer and my mother had a hysterectomy in her 30's to remove the tumors. and I had a slightly irregular pap right after Ronin, though Doc says that's fairly common in young women and during pregnancy as the immune system is low.

So, with my two symptoms, I was convinced. And I went to the doctor, totally ready for him to tell me I was dying or that I'd need surgery or chemo or whatever else.

And so as soon as he walked in, before he could even ask me what I was seeing him for, I burst into tears! 

Yes, just flat out sobbing. Embarrassing.

So my Doc, being the kind patient man that he is, says "Whoa, what's up?"

And I could barely squeeze out that I was just scared.

And it went like this:

Doc: (slight smirk on his face) Have you been reading WebMD?

Me: (Nod - Still sobbing)

Doc: And you think you have Cervical Cancer?

Me: (Sob Harder)

Doc: (Laughs)

via

Yeah... only a little embarrassing. How did he know me so well?!

Probably TMI but to drive the point home:

We chatted and he did some blood work and a urine sample.. Mild UTI. 

Ha. 

HaHa. 

I can only laugh now that it's over. 

And I'll probably have to hide my face from my doctor for a while.

Please tell me I'm not the only one!!!

Labor: What they won't tell you!

Okay, let’s talk about GIVING BIRTH!

 Mostly about what no one told me.

Giving birth is a beautiful thing. It really is, no matter how cliché it sounds. I know, I’ve done it TWICE! And both times I was in awe.

To know that I helped create life.

My body was a vessel for another being for almost 10 months. How cool is that?

How lucky am I? Because not everyone is as blessed as I am to be able to even carry a child.

It’s just beautiful.

Creating life, that is.

…Because let’s face it, the whole labor thing is one ugly, wretched, awful, excuse my language, bitch.

Someone has probably told you not to worry, because although it hurts (Very much an understatement) and it can sometimes last a long time (also an understatement), once you have your baby in your arms, you’ll forget all about the labor.

This might be true, but I’d like to put a very large sum of money on the fact that my husband will NEVER let me forget what happened during labor. I’m sure he’s also not going to let a lot of other people forget what happened during my labor, so I’ll just beat him to the punch and fill you all in.

I expected lots of things to happen while in labor.

 I expected to be in pain, and I was, oh yes I was!

I expected to be all wet and leaky with amniotic fluid, and I was.

I expected to feel a little sick and possibly throw up, and I did.

I expected to be moody and tired, and I was.

I did NOT expect to have an uncontrollable bowel movement, but oh yea.. I did that too!

Yep, you read that right. I just could not stop pooping!

I had been in active labor for about 6 hours when I started to feel my contractions again (for the first time after getting the epidural... maybe 4 hours prior.) They were a painful but not as excruciating as before I got the epidural. Every time I had a contraction, I felt the urge to poop. Normal right? I mean at least I thought so. I actually got excited because I had the same sensation just moments before I was told I was ready to push with Keegan. So I thought for sure I was having a baby in the next ten minutes!

I let Mikael know and told him just to wait a few more contractions to see if it keeps up before he got the nurse.  

There was another contraction… and there was the urge to poop. Okay, baby soon?

And then again. And again.

And then… what the heck was that?!

I can only imagine the look on my face when I told my husband I thought I pooped my pants!

He laughed at me and let me know that wasn’t possible since I wasn’t wearing pants. Thanks smartass…

...But I think I just pooped myself! I made him hand me a box of tissues and find the baby wipes I saw the nurse use earlier.

Sure enough that just happened to me.

The contractions that had me gripping the bedrail not even 5 minutes before had suddenly been masked by an overwhelming amount of embarrassment.

And every time I had a contraction, more and more just kept coming out… seriously? My husband oh so graciously donned blue surgical gloves and held open the trash bag for my wipes and tissues. I know, I scored a real keeper didn’t I?

That has to be true love.

...literally

After about 15 minutes of this, the nurse came in and I let her know I was having an uncontrollable bowel movement, to which she responded by asking me if I wanted her to “clean me up”…

What? ... No!

I’m embarrassed enough that it’s even happening and you think I want you to wipe my ass… Please let me keep a little bit of my dignity… She swore this happens all the time and she didn’t mind because it was her job…

Yea, I just kept “cleaning” myself as it came... I was so embarrassed that I didn’t even notice my contractions anymore.

I wanted to crawl in a hole and hide!

The nurse did check my cervix though, since an involuntary bowel movement can be a sign that the baby is bearing down and ready to come out.

And he was.

So she called in the doctor and rest of the team. In less than 20 minutes and 10 pushes, Ronin was born.

And that was beautiful.

I was embarrassed and swore I would never tell a soul, but it happened and that’s real. And maybe just a little funny… now. I know I’m not alone and I won’t be ashamed. I might not forget about this labor, but at least I’ll laugh about it. Hope you do too.