The Giving Bowl

A few years ago I packed my entire life into my tiny little two door Chevy Cobalt and drove cross country to a little mountain town east of San Diego. I consider that Summer in Julian, CA to be one of the best summers of my life and if circumstances allowed, I'd go back in a heartbeat. A lot changed for me that summer. I moved so very far away, to be closer to the Marine that I had fallen in love with. And then I got engaged AND married. All in one summer. But those are just the big things. The most noted. 

I've always been a giving person, whether it a hug, a laugh, or a gift. I like to give. I like to see others happy. I give and give and give. And eventually the bowl that I've been giving from runs out. Empty. 

It was during my counsel for Brown Rag (Read more on the YMCA Ragger Program here) that my mentor used this analogy. In all of the two weeks that I had been at camp, he already saw this in me. I knew it was true but I was a bit creeped that he knew. And do you know what I did.. I avoided him every chance I got after that. I told other what a creep he was and chimed in if he was the topic of conversation. What an awful person I was, seriously. 

The funny thing is, those words never left me. That metaphor has stuck in my mind like glue. I've used it several times in arguments with my husband. When I've felt neglected in our marriage I've said that my bowl is empty and it isn't fair that I fill his and everyone else's while mine is left gathering dust. It's not fair. 

At least that's how I thought it worked.

Turns out I missed the important part of my mentor's message and over the last few months I've really been thinking about this metaphor and what he was really trying to say. I am a giver, and unless someone refills my giving bowl, eventually I will run out, burn out, become frustrated, empty, depressed, yada yada yada. I could go on and on about what my empty bowl could feel like and what it has felt like. But I was under the impression that someone else needed to fill my bowl, kinda like a you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours kind of thing. Yea, it doesn't work that way. 

I have found someone to fill my bowl though. And his love fills it endlessly. In fact most of the time now, it's overflowing. I've found that coming to know Christ, and I mean really knowing him, not just his name and birthday. Really knowing him deeply, knowing his love has given me what I needed all along. His love fills my heart and my "bowl". He gives to me so that I can give to others. When I need strength I can look to Him. When I feel lost or lonely, I know that I am not alone. When I worried that I may not have enough love for two children, he supplied. He does that for you and me. For everyone and anyone who has accepted him as their savior. That is amazing and I'm so thankful that I was able to plug him into the metaphor that was shared with me years ago. Though there is no doubt in my mind that that was not a chance meeting. Summer Camp, My mentor, those words... they were no accident or coincidence. That my friends, was an act of God. A real life intervention. I just had to wait a little while for the revelation. 

That being said, I think it's important to know that when you share the word of God, someone may not seem like they are listening. They may not seem to have heard your message. And maybe, just like me, they will just blow you off time and time again. Be patient. You don't need to know where they go, or when God find's them. just know that your words are part of the journey. 

My Baptism 2013

God always finds his people.

Thanks Rich.

What Others Think..

How much do you care about what others think?
I used to think I cared a lot.

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I thought. 

Wrong. 

Pre-mommy era, I used to get all dazzled and fuss with my hair and make-up. I would throw countless outfits on the ground after trying and re-trying them on trying to find a perfect match. And when that didn't work out, I would drain my bank account at the mall on something that worked.

And why?

Because I had to fit in ...Because that's what was "in"...Because if I didn't, who would be my friend. ha.

...Because what would they say about me if my hair was messy, or my clothes were sooo 2005?!

...Because I didn't want to be judged.

And then reality hit me one day. 

I am the judge.

 I am the Mean Girl that I spent hours getting ready for. 

I am the girl that criticized and laughed when my outfits didn't match or fit just right. 

Me. I did that. 

Not because I cared about what anyone else was thinking of me, but because I cared about what I was thinking of me.

Please don't read this wrong. I did all those things for me.
 For my thoughts and opinions. For my self-esteem.
It never mattered what anyone else thought. What mattered is what I thought, which turns out to be exactly what I thought they were thinking ... tracking?

If you're worried about your hair looking a hot mess and everyone chatting about how a bird could lay an egg up there.. it's probably because
1. Your hair really looks like that,
2. You know you're hair looks like that
3. You hate that your hair looks like that!

Really, no one gives a donkey's behind about your messy hair, you do.
And you should.

Now I'm not saying you need to primp and style everyday and I'm not even saying you can't have messy hair, hell sometimes i think my messy hair is sexy and I do it on purpose.
I'm saying, you should be comfortable with however you do your hair/make-up/outfit etc.
You should feel good about yourself.

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It's important that I am my own critic and that I set standards and expectations for myself.
(Even if that means establishing "nice" yoga pants and "bum" pants...
yes, one for the public, one for home)
They keep me sane, motivated and happy with myself.
But they're mine, for me and nobody else.

So for those of you still worrying, here is my piece of advice.
Be comfortable. Be who you want to be. Don't stop being your own critic.
And don't be anyone else's critic.