New life; New Beginnings

It's been a few weeks since I've last posted. I didn't plan on taking that break, though I realize how much I needed it. 

When we were last here, I told you about my doctor's appointment and the diagnosis that did not surprise me, but I didn't want to hear. The outpouring of support following that post was beyond my expectations. So, thank you all for your supportive and encouraging words.

Like these chicks that have hatched outside my front door, I feel like I have been given new life. For the first time I feel like I can see clearly, and breathe freely. I don't feel blanketed by my own lies or desire to hide. And this is just the beginning. 

Chickies need their food and my new life, still in it's infancy, is no different. 

Enter God. 

I think we've discussed before that I have always believe, but my walk with Jesus has been staggering. Shortly after leaving my doctor's appointment, I prayed to God. A real rarity in my life, because .. well, I just never knew how. But I did, alone, in my car. Just me asking for a little bit of help. 

And being that Prayer is such a rarity in my life, I wasn't all too certain that it would be heard. But I had no where else to go and it was worth a shot. 

There was no rolling thunder. No instant flashing of lighting or horrendous rains falling from the heavens. No rainbows or butterflies subtly landing on my hand. There was no immediate sign. Nothing.   

And then that week a friend of mine from Church asked us to join her community group. We recently became members of our church and since this whole church thing was fairly new to us, we had yet to be plugged into a community group - something I had been wanting to do. Perfect. 

I had no idea how truly perfect it was. 

My friend dropped of the workbook for the bible study they were doing and when I opened it later that night I was almost in shock. I flipped through the pages and was near tears.

God really heard me. 

And he really answered.

The bible study our community group was starting was "The Power of the Praying Woman" - all about overcoming past obstacles, traumatic events, anxiety, depression, learning to forgive, and trust in God.

Hello? The pages we're practically screaming at me! 

I'm only two weeks into the study and I feel a change happening in my life already.

 I know have a long long road ahead of me but finally there is light at the end of the tunnel. 

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature;

 the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. 

2 Corinthians 5:17

Overcoming Mental Illness, Step One: Admission.

Depression...

...That's what it looks like.

What? Not what you pictured? 

Are you surprised?

That's me. 

This is me. 

I have suffered from depression for over a decade and I have worked my little butt off to cover it up every single day of my life! 

Today, has been a very emotional day for me. Today I have admitted to one of my toughest life battles yet and I did it on accident. I went to the clinic today for chest pain I was having this morning. It has happened about 10 times in the last 6 months and though I've discussed it with my docs before, nothing has ever come of it. Today it was worse than ever before, really.. I thought I was dying - think heart attack dying- , and I went straight to see the nurse. Calm as can be, she told me she was pretty certain I was having anxiety attacks. I immediately started crying because I knew. 

I knew. 

I was in denial and the jig was up!

We did an EKG (just to be sure I really wasn't having a heart attack) and then the doc and I discussed anxiety, depression, and various other mental illnesses. Though this was not the first time a doctor has told me I suffer from depression, it was the first time I've ever admitted such things to anyone other than my husband. It was scary and yet so liberating. I cried the entire time.

See, I've always known that I've suffered from some form of depression, anxiety, and probably a few other things but I've been in denial. Because I don't want to be crazy! And I've spent a ridiculous amount of time hiding from all of my thoughts and fears, exhausting myself to cover them up. I've been lying to everyone and most importantly myself. 

Not only have I been denying a serious illness, I've been depriving myself of help that I seriously need.

All because I don't want to be crazy.  

See what labels do. 

I debated on whether or not to write this post, because.. well, I was ashamed. 

Ashamed for being depressed in the first place. Ashamed that I've been lying about it. 

Ashamed that I am not the person I want be. Ashamed that I am not the person others want me to be.

But, I've realized that this IS me. And all I can do is make improvements. So, here I am.. Improving.

The road to peace starts today. 

We discussed many possible treatments and for now I've opted out of medications. 

Soon I will see a psych and for now I've got these pretty little things.

Leave in acupuncture. 

I know.. I feel like a total badass with these babies.

For those of you who have never suffered from a mental illness, I don't expect you to understand. The concept that one would have to battle their own mind is a hard one to grasp. I do however, want you to know that mental illnesses of all forms are very real. And sometimes, such as with my anxiety, they can cause physical pain. Depression is more than just sadness.  It's not something that can be changed with the snap of your fingers. Though I want to be truly happy and work hard to be there, it isn't as simple as mind over matter. There are many walls that I need to tear down before I can get there. 

I plan to continue posting on this topic as I journey on the road to peace and self acceptance. 

I would like to delve into all the things that my mental illness has lead me to such as bouts of anorexia and binge eating, drug use and times of alcohol abuse. Yes.. I know you're surprised. You should be, I've worked so hard to hide all of these shameful things in my life. 

I also want to tackle the traumatic events that have helped fuel the fire of depression and anxiety. 

And someday, I will be able to really breathe again. 

I'm not proud, but the journey starts here. 

Today is a new beginning.

First Things First

Today I'm linking up with Halie and Hallie for First Things First!

Because the first things are always a tad awkward, little bit weird and usually funny.

1. First Trip Out of the Country:

Niagra Falls, Canada - somewhere around 1995.

Family vacation that I hardly remember since I was so young. I think I was 4 maybe 5.

I do remember our car being searched upon reentry to the US, that was exciting =)

2. First Major purchase on Your Own:

How major are we talking? 

I spent $500 on my first laptop just after I graduated bootcamp. That was pretty major for me. And when I got done with all my training I made my first major major purchase with this bad boy:

I named him Jack and was soooo sad to part with my baby when we moved to Japan! 

1. First thing you learned to cook:

Spaghetti... boil noodles, throw jar of sauce on on burner, and voila!

Seriously.. we ate spaghetti religiously for the first 3-6 months  of our marriage. I think my husband is very thankful that I've learned to cook a few other dishes. His subtle way of telling me to learn consisted of giving me a cookbook anytime gift-giving was warranted.

Happy Tuesday Everyone!

What Others Think..

How much do you care about what others think?
I used to think I cared a lot.

via

I thought. 

Wrong. 

Pre-mommy era, I used to get all dazzled and fuss with my hair and make-up. I would throw countless outfits on the ground after trying and re-trying them on trying to find a perfect match. And when that didn't work out, I would drain my bank account at the mall on something that worked.

And why?

Because I had to fit in ...Because that's what was "in"...Because if I didn't, who would be my friend. ha.

...Because what would they say about me if my hair was messy, or my clothes were sooo 2005?!

...Because I didn't want to be judged.

And then reality hit me one day. 

I am the judge.

 I am the Mean Girl that I spent hours getting ready for. 

I am the girl that criticized and laughed when my outfits didn't match or fit just right. 

Me. I did that. 

Not because I cared about what anyone else was thinking of me, but because I cared about what I was thinking of me.

Please don't read this wrong. I did all those things for me.
 For my thoughts and opinions. For my self-esteem.
It never mattered what anyone else thought. What mattered is what I thought, which turns out to be exactly what I thought they were thinking ... tracking?

If you're worried about your hair looking a hot mess and everyone chatting about how a bird could lay an egg up there.. it's probably because
1. Your hair really looks like that,
2. You know you're hair looks like that
3. You hate that your hair looks like that!

Really, no one gives a donkey's behind about your messy hair, you do.
And you should.

Now I'm not saying you need to primp and style everyday and I'm not even saying you can't have messy hair, hell sometimes i think my messy hair is sexy and I do it on purpose.
I'm saying, you should be comfortable with however you do your hair/make-up/outfit etc.
You should feel good about yourself.

via

It's important that I am my own critic and that I set standards and expectations for myself.
(Even if that means establishing "nice" yoga pants and "bum" pants...
yes, one for the public, one for home)
They keep me sane, motivated and happy with myself.
But they're mine, for me and nobody else.

So for those of you still worrying, here is my piece of advice.
Be comfortable. Be who you want to be. Don't stop being your own critic.
And don't be anyone else's critic.

Afraid of the Dark

Hi, My name is Ashlee.

I'm 23 years old and I'm afraid of the dark.

Seriously. 

I always have been, most likely always will be. 

During my recent hospital stay, my nurse came in at 0700 for vitals and asked if I ever slept.. because she noticed that my lights and TV were on all night. After I told her what was up, she made fun of me for being a "big girl" now and still being scared. haha.

I used to need several lights on during the night but since I've been married, I've had to compromise with my husband. Now we just leave the hall light on and keep the door wide open - when he's home. 

& when he's not, I sleep on the couch with the TV and all 3 lights on! I used to keep my kids with me too but it's not fair that I subject them to my fears. So now I put them to bed in the dark.. in hopes that they don't grow up to be big scaredy cats like me.

It's extremely bad when I've watched a scary movie (which almost never happens because, well, I'ma scaredy cat!) More than once I've made my husband hold my hold through the house to get me to wherever I need to go. 

And he's such an instigator. He doesn't quite understand my fear and loves to turn lights off on me. I think he just enjoys my ridiculous reaction (which usually involves screaming like a 5 year old with tears ready to roll down my face)

The good news is.. We don't pay for electricity, thanks USMC. haha.

What are you afraid of?

Cry Now, Laugh later.

And that's just what I did.

Have you ever had cramps, or sore muscles or some unexplained pain anywhere on your body...

...And then looked it up on WebMD?

That's me. EVERY time. 

So the latest was cramping and low back pain- but it wasn't that time of the month. So what gives?

Cervical Cancer.

I was convinced.

Just so you don't think I'm completely loony, my grandmother passed away (before I ever met her) from  cervical cancer and my mother had a hysterectomy in her 30's to remove the tumors. and I had a slightly irregular pap right after Ronin, though Doc says that's fairly common in young women and during pregnancy as the immune system is low.

So, with my two symptoms, I was convinced. And I went to the doctor, totally ready for him to tell me I was dying or that I'd need surgery or chemo or whatever else.

And so as soon as he walked in, before he could even ask me what I was seeing him for, I burst into tears! 

Yes, just flat out sobbing. Embarrassing.

So my Doc, being the kind patient man that he is, says "Whoa, what's up?"

And I could barely squeeze out that I was just scared.

And it went like this:

Doc: (slight smirk on his face) Have you been reading WebMD?

Me: (Nod - Still sobbing)

Doc: And you think you have Cervical Cancer?

Me: (Sob Harder)

Doc: (Laughs)

via

Yeah... only a little embarrassing. How did he know me so well?!

Probably TMI but to drive the point home:

We chatted and he did some blood work and a urine sample.. Mild UTI. 

Ha. 

HaHa. 

I can only laugh now that it's over. 

And I'll probably have to hide my face from my doctor for a while.

Please tell me I'm not the only one!!!

Overcoming Fear.

Fear. 

I often like to believe that I am fearless, but I know just how much of my life is consumed with it. And as hard as it is to live by sometimes, I also know that I should have no fears as my faith in God should overpower them. 

Last night at my bi-monthly MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers!) meeting, we talked about fear and how it has consumed people in our country in the wake of the Sandy Hook shootings. How so many have said that they will now homeschool their children, or never go to a mall, or a movie theater? How they will put their life on hold because of this tragedy. 

Because where was God? 

What about the Gun gun control?

There are so many questions, and I can't say that I or anyone has all the right answers, but I do know that we ought to not be afraid to live our lives. There is no way of knowing what will happen during our days or when our last one will come. Just keep faith in God and know that he has a plan for all of us, whether we are here on earth for 6 years or 106, he has a divine plan. Trust it. 

Please, know in your heart that no matter how devastating and tragic were last weeks events, good will prevail. In some way, big or small.. the good will prevail.

There is no need to live in fear of the unknown. We have no control. 

Do not let Fear dictate your life and rob you of a chance to live a fulfilling life.

I didn't think I needed to hear these words, but I did.

Not even because of last weeks events, but because of the countless other things that I am afraid of. 

Because I am a mother.

And most of my days are spent being paranoid about my babies.

Because when my babies are sleeping I check on them several times to make sure they are still breathing.

And when I'm showering, I pop my head out 5 or 6 times because I swear I just heard one of them crying.

I keep them close because I am afraid to lose them. 

Often I don't let my oldest engage in activities that would benefit him because in some way I am afraid for him.

I need to stop letting fear consume my thoughts and my life.

Just live. 

Compassionately.

& Fully. 

Do not be afraid.

God will lead the way, Trust him.

Revamping things.

If you've been following, then you know that I've been a little MIA lately and have been trouble coming out of the blogging slumps.

It's rough.

So last night I had this great idea to buy a book because reading inspires writing, right?

Well, it does for me anyway.

Usually I'd go for a romance novel, or a "schmuck" book as my brother-in-law has dubbed them. I used to swear I'd never read them, but my sister-in-law totally corrupted me on a camping trip a few years ago.

So, I went to find one.

When I got to the book store, I instead found myself drawn to the business and finance section... that was a first. 

And I found this marvel:

MOM, INC. The Essential Guide to Running a Successful Business From Home

image via

I haven't even had the book for 24 hours and I already know it's going to be one of my most used purchases. It encompasses everything for the home-based mom.

(and let's not forget that I'll be a SAHM again in T-minus 9 days!!!)

There's an entire chapter on blogging.

 I so wish I would have bought this when I first started blogging.

What jumped at me was that my blog needed purpose.

When I started blogging in August, I did have a purpose, but it wasn't clearly defined.

I was not clearly defined.

Since I've joined the blogosphere, I have lost sight of what my blog means to me.

I've posted so much on mommy-hood, my babies, and our day to day because that's what was easy.

Because it was easy to participate in Mommy link-ups,

and it was easy to find mommy readers.

But that's not what I wanted my blog for.

I love my kids, no doubt about it.

But I need a space for myself.

To be me, outside of being a mommy.

So, from here on out, there will be some changes around here.

You may still see posts about my adorably awesome boys, but they won't be in every single one.

I'm here to find the funnies in life.

To share my thoughts and ideas.

To try to make sense of all this nonsense.

(Though I know it will never make sense.)

Here goes nothing.

To celebrate new beginnings,

head over to my sponsor page to grab yourself some free ad space for the next 30 days!

ANY SIZE

Offer is good until all ads are spoken for.

Use the following PROMO Codes.

Really Really Big. 200x300 - FRESHSTART

Pretty Big. 200x200 - REVAMPIT

Little Less Big. 200x100 - JUSTLAUGH

Swap Spot. 100x100 - LAUGHFORFREE

Enjoy.

A Bloggy Rut. HELP!

Seriously, what do you do when you get in a blogging rut?

When you haven't posted anything in two weeks and you keep telling yourself,

"Tonight, I promise!" and later.. "I swear I'll get to it tomorrow!"

 

 ...because that's where I'm at. And it's not that I don't have anything to write about, ideas dance around my head all day long. It's just finding the time. If I'm not eating sleeping, at work or chasing one of the babies, I'm overly exhausted and just want to go back to sleep..

 

So how do you prioritize? When is blogging more important than sleep, or other things?

How do you make up for the lack of blogging you've been doing?

 

AHHHAAAHHRRRGH!! That's about how I feel about that.

The good news is...

 

I put in my two weeks notice at work!!!

 

And I am just so overly excited about being a stay at home mom again!

So hopefully I will not only have more time with my family, but for my blog and other things I enjoy too!

 

Looking forward to it, and figuring this Bloggy MIA thing out in the meantime.

Thanks for being so patient.

 

 

To feel important.

 

 

Lately, I have been having those days.Those days where nothing goes right, the kids are screaming, the house is a wreck, and my husband won't be home for another few hours.And most of the time, while I'm juggling five or six tasks at hand and trying keep my sanity and composure intact, I can't help but feel small.

 

And unimportant.

And that although I have many things to do, they're not important.

 

And then I think, if only..

 

If only I could finish college.

If only I had stayed in the military.

If only I could find a job that wasn't bottom of the ladder.

If only...

 

Because then I might feel important. And then my husband will know that I am important.

That what I do matters. That I am making a difference.

 

I feel that way sometimes. And sometimes I desperately say things fishing for some kind of verbal confirmation that my thoughts are wrong. That I shouldn't think if only, because what I do IS important.

 

My husband is most often caught in direct fire of those desperate pleas and being the ever so stubborn and quick man that he is, he often catches on to the fact that I'm looking for him to tell me something and of course then refuses. Because he's stubborn.

 

And I get mad, because I know he does this and damnit, can he just tell me I'm important?

But the truth is, even though there are moments where I feel small, overwhelmed and as if my daily tasks do not matter, I know that is false.

I am a Mother and a Wife. I work full time. I go to school and I have my own business. I am a military spouse. I am expected to move every few years and start all over. And I do. I am resiliant. I have my days, but they make me stronger. Because there's never been a day that I haven't made it through. With everything that has been thrown at me, no matter how overwhelmed I have become,  or how negative my thoughts have been, I have not given up. I am here, still mothering and still married. Still working, still going to school. Still moving.

 

I am important. & whatever I do, matters.

To someone.

 

My children need me.

It is important that I feed them, change them.

Nuture them, and teach them.

I make a difference to them.

Within them.

& For them.

They need me.

 

My husband, stubborn as he may be, needs me.

It is important that I stay strong and resiliant.

He is a Marine, and that's his job.

But I am his wife, and he needs me.

He needs me to be patient, and to listen.

To hear his fears and join in his excitement.

To say, "We can do this!"

He needs me to take care of things while he is away.

To raise our children as they should be.

I make a difference to him.

He needs me.

 

And I know that those are true, even on days when I feel otherwise.

 

 

 

Please know, that even when your child is naked, screaming, and running rampant while you attempt to cook and clean with the other on your hip...

 what you are doing is not worthless.

 You are not worthless.

 You do matter.

And what you are doing matters.

 

Because you are a woman.

You are a mother.

You are a wife.

And whether you're just one of those, or all three, you are important.

And whatever we do...

...big or small.

It matters.

To someone.

 

 

 

100 Follower Giveaway!

We finally did it!!!

 

 

 

Laugh with Ash now has over 100 fans following via GFC!

 

I'm so happy to be hosting this giveaway, because once upon a time I had no followers.

 

& I anxiously checked my blog every hour after every blog hop, just hoping for one.

Now, here we are. Just 3 months later, and I'm giving stuff away!!!

 

Thanks to my lovely Swap buddies for pitching in and offering you all even more prizes!

Check it out.

 

You're going to win:

 

300 x 300 Ad Space over at Michelle's Pixie Dust

 

Michelle is wicked cool. 

And she's one busy mom in Missouri!

She makes the juggle of work, motherhood, and blogging look easy!

 

200 x 300 Ad Space over at The Domestic Geek blog

 

Brittany is seriously awesome.

She loves to cook and play video games, hence The Domestic Geek!

She's from Wisconsin, and loves cheese..

and frankly I just think it's impossible for those to not belong together. 

 

 

&& You already know me! But here's what I got for ya...

 

30 Days of Really Really Big ad space

 

$15 iTunes gift card!

 

 

 

And to toast this awesome celebration..

 

From The Pampered Chef,

Drink it Up! Itty Bitty Bevs gift

 

 

Now go ahead, enter away...

 

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Me, Myself and I: October.

 

 

 

1. What is your favorite Season? Explain.

 

I love fall, though I haven't really seen it in four years.. but I think I've said that before. I think I'll make it a point to head home during fall next year.

 

2. Talk about a moment that changed your life.

 

I was just thinking about this yesterday, wierd. Anyway, the actual moment didn't change my life until much later when I was reflecting on it.

 

I was in a car accident when I was 16, I was in the passenger seat.

We made a left turn and were hit by an oncoming car. I wasn't wearin my seatbelt and flew into the winsheld.

 

The airbag saved my life.

 

I make hat connection until much later. I don't remember much of the actualy accident, it happened so fast. I just remember getting out of the car in the middle of a busy intersection and not being able to hear a thing. Later when we looked at the car, I saw where my head had hit the windshield and nearly shattered the glass, leaving a spiderweb affect. Had the airbag deployed seconds later or not at all, I would not be here today. It was the moment I realized that, that my life changed. I am so much more aware and appreciative of the little things.

 

3. If you could be any crayola Crayon Color what would it be?

Outrageous Orange

 

a. it's my favorite color, orange that is.

b. How fun is the name?

c. I like to think I'm outrageous.

 

4. Describe yourself as a superhero: Superpower? Name? Sidekick?

oooh....

 

Kero, the great!

Superpower: To fly.. faster than the speed of sound.

 

Sidekick: A sneaky monkey, like this one:

 

5. If you had all the money in the world and could only shop at three stores, where would you shop?

 

Target, Amazon, Macy's.

(Can you tell that I've been stuck on an island and had to shop online for the past few years??!!)

 

 

 

 



Labor: What they won't tell you!

Okay, let’s talk about GIVING BIRTH!

 Mostly about what no one told me.

Giving birth is a beautiful thing. It really is, no matter how cliché it sounds. I know, I’ve done it TWICE! And both times I was in awe.

To know that I helped create life.

My body was a vessel for another being for almost 10 months. How cool is that?

How lucky am I? Because not everyone is as blessed as I am to be able to even carry a child.

It’s just beautiful.

Creating life, that is.

…Because let’s face it, the whole labor thing is one ugly, wretched, awful, excuse my language, bitch.

Someone has probably told you not to worry, because although it hurts (Very much an understatement) and it can sometimes last a long time (also an understatement), once you have your baby in your arms, you’ll forget all about the labor.

This might be true, but I’d like to put a very large sum of money on the fact that my husband will NEVER let me forget what happened during labor. I’m sure he’s also not going to let a lot of other people forget what happened during my labor, so I’ll just beat him to the punch and fill you all in.

I expected lots of things to happen while in labor.

 I expected to be in pain, and I was, oh yes I was!

I expected to be all wet and leaky with amniotic fluid, and I was.

I expected to feel a little sick and possibly throw up, and I did.

I expected to be moody and tired, and I was.

I did NOT expect to have an uncontrollable bowel movement, but oh yea.. I did that too!

Yep, you read that right. I just could not stop pooping!

I had been in active labor for about 6 hours when I started to feel my contractions again (for the first time after getting the epidural... maybe 4 hours prior.) They were a painful but not as excruciating as before I got the epidural. Every time I had a contraction, I felt the urge to poop. Normal right? I mean at least I thought so. I actually got excited because I had the same sensation just moments before I was told I was ready to push with Keegan. So I thought for sure I was having a baby in the next ten minutes!

I let Mikael know and told him just to wait a few more contractions to see if it keeps up before he got the nurse.  

There was another contraction… and there was the urge to poop. Okay, baby soon?

And then again. And again.

And then… what the heck was that?!

I can only imagine the look on my face when I told my husband I thought I pooped my pants!

He laughed at me and let me know that wasn’t possible since I wasn’t wearing pants. Thanks smartass…

...But I think I just pooped myself! I made him hand me a box of tissues and find the baby wipes I saw the nurse use earlier.

Sure enough that just happened to me.

The contractions that had me gripping the bedrail not even 5 minutes before had suddenly been masked by an overwhelming amount of embarrassment.

And every time I had a contraction, more and more just kept coming out… seriously? My husband oh so graciously donned blue surgical gloves and held open the trash bag for my wipes and tissues. I know, I scored a real keeper didn’t I?

That has to be true love.

...literally

After about 15 minutes of this, the nurse came in and I let her know I was having an uncontrollable bowel movement, to which she responded by asking me if I wanted her to “clean me up”…

What? ... No!

I’m embarrassed enough that it’s even happening and you think I want you to wipe my ass… Please let me keep a little bit of my dignity… She swore this happens all the time and she didn’t mind because it was her job…

Yea, I just kept “cleaning” myself as it came... I was so embarrassed that I didn’t even notice my contractions anymore.

I wanted to crawl in a hole and hide!

The nurse did check my cervix though, since an involuntary bowel movement can be a sign that the baby is bearing down and ready to come out.

And he was.

So she called in the doctor and rest of the team. In less than 20 minutes and 10 pushes, Ronin was born.

And that was beautiful.

I was embarrassed and swore I would never tell a soul, but it happened and that’s real. And maybe just a little funny… now. I know I’m not alone and I won’t be ashamed. I might not forget about this labor, but at least I’ll laugh about it. Hope you do too.

Linked-Up: Me, Myself and I

 

 

I'm still a little lost wandering around the blogging world.. who knew it could be so big and full of all things wonderful and crazy?

 

Every blog I visit I find "linky" posts or something to that extent. Just another way to network, but HOW COOL!

 

Anyway, here is my first linked-up post.

 

 

 

1. When you're feeling down, what do you do to pick yourself up?

 

Easy. I bake, because baking means eating something delicious! There was never a brownie or peice of cake that couldn't cheer me up.. I guess that's just the inner fat kid in me! =)

 

2. If you had to live in another time period, which would it be?

 

I love the 80's, the big hair, spandex and cutoff sweaters.. but I'm totally a hippie at heart.

I'm also a romance novel addict and I get so wrapped up in the one that take place centuries ago! I'd love to live by candelight and travel everywhere on foot or horseback, sometimes I think our lives are just too overcrowded. We miss so much by being bombarded with technology.

 

3. What is the most creative halloween costume you've ever worn?

 

I'm so proud of my toga!! This was a few years ago when I first got married and had no money!! I put the whole outfit together myself, using a sheet I already had and a few cheap accessories from Michael's. I think I spent less than $10.00 and it was CUTE!

 

4. FIVE Wierd things we wouldn't know about you without being told?

 

1. I am seriously scared of the dark, I still sleep with a night light!

2. I wash my dishes before putting them in the dishwasher.. my only germophobic habit.

3. Since I moved to Japan, I've developed a weird obsession for elephants... I'm not even sure why I love them so much.

4. I am self-concious about my height. Sometimes I make my husband measure ourselves against the wall and mark with a pencil just to make surehe's still a quarter inch taller than me =)

5. I have no wisdom teeth, lucky me! They just never came in.

 

5. What would you tell your 16-year-old self?

 

Everything is worth it, even if none of it makes sense.

Nothing is going to go as you planned, be okay with that.

Keep dreaming.. Channing Tatum still lives there =)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Jack of All Trades, Master of None" : That's OKAY!

Whoever coined the term, “Jack of all trades, master of none” must have known me in some strange distant way. Believe it or not, I had only heard that term for the first time about a year ago! Is that crazy? I had heard “Jack of all trades,” but hearing the “master of none” part spoke to me with flashing lights and wailing sirens. That’s me!!

For the longest time I’ve struggled with the fact that I have no passion. There is no one thing in my life that takes center stage. I haven’t been doing, collecting, or practicing anything for an insane amount of years. There just isn’t anything that I absolutely have to do every week, month or year without having withdrawals and for some reason this bothered me. I’ve tried really hard to dive into things like cooking, baking, crocheting, various sports (I’ve tried dozens!), and tons of other classic hobbies. Each one came and went as another phase or craze.

My husband will gladly share plenty of very true and slightly embarrassing stories from what he calls my “hippie days,” when I was working at a summer camp and decided I needed to rock the surfer look, become a vegetarian (which last about 3 months… all I ate was pasta!), and thought it was okay to only shower bi-weekly.. what?! I swam in a chlorinated pool… that gets you clean enough, right? ..Yea, it was that intense.

Yes, that's me on the left.

That wig may have been a one-time deal,

but those shades, bracelets, beads, and headbands

were daily accessories for the entire summer! =)

Keep Calm and Surf On, Dude!

I would say all of the phases I went through were “intense” while they lasted. Or at least I was very interested and passionate about them for the time being. I once baked 5 cheesecakes from scratch in one day! If you’ve never made a real, from scratch, home-made cheesecake, just know that it takes forever! And the cleaning up part takes even longer. I can’t be sure that there still isn’t dried, crusty, cheesecake splatter somewhere in that apartment. But that’s beside the point.

The point is, I spent so much time searching for that one thing that I could be passionate about FOREVER, that I never realized how passionate I was about the things I was doing at the moment. I mean, that’s what really counts right? I can’t expect myself to be a dedicated Olympic athlete, or a TV worthy cook like Rachael Ray or Paula Deen (although it would be completely cool, and I have some serious respect for anyone who can master something).

All I can do is be my best and love what I’m doing, even if it only lasts a few weeks, or months.

Now that I’ve come to that realization and totally believe in it, I’m having one of those, “Yea! Why didn’t I think of that before!” moments. I’m not my 100% best every day, and yes I still do things that I don’t totally love, but for the most part I find myself pouring my heart into even the little things I do. So I may not yet be a master of any trade and I may never become one, but I certainly know and have done a little bit of this and a little bit of that.  I have laughed and loved all along the way and I’ll be perfectly fine if I never find a permanent niche.