Overcoming Mental Illness, Step One: Admission.

Depression...

...That's what it looks like.

What? Not what you pictured? 

Are you surprised?

That's me. 

This is me. 

I have suffered from depression for over a decade and I have worked my little butt off to cover it up every single day of my life! 

Today, has been a very emotional day for me. Today I have admitted to one of my toughest life battles yet and I did it on accident. I went to the clinic today for chest pain I was having this morning. It has happened about 10 times in the last 6 months and though I've discussed it with my docs before, nothing has ever come of it. Today it was worse than ever before, really.. I thought I was dying - think heart attack dying- , and I went straight to see the nurse. Calm as can be, she told me she was pretty certain I was having anxiety attacks. I immediately started crying because I knew. 

I knew. 

I was in denial and the jig was up!

We did an EKG (just to be sure I really wasn't having a heart attack) and then the doc and I discussed anxiety, depression, and various other mental illnesses. Though this was not the first time a doctor has told me I suffer from depression, it was the first time I've ever admitted such things to anyone other than my husband. It was scary and yet so liberating. I cried the entire time.

See, I've always known that I've suffered from some form of depression, anxiety, and probably a few other things but I've been in denial. Because I don't want to be crazy! And I've spent a ridiculous amount of time hiding from all of my thoughts and fears, exhausting myself to cover them up. I've been lying to everyone and most importantly myself. 

Not only have I been denying a serious illness, I've been depriving myself of help that I seriously need.

All because I don't want to be crazy.  

See what labels do. 

I debated on whether or not to write this post, because.. well, I was ashamed. 

Ashamed for being depressed in the first place. Ashamed that I've been lying about it. 

Ashamed that I am not the person I want be. Ashamed that I am not the person others want me to be.

But, I've realized that this IS me. And all I can do is make improvements. So, here I am.. Improving.

The road to peace starts today. 

We discussed many possible treatments and for now I've opted out of medications. 

Soon I will see a psych and for now I've got these pretty little things.

Leave in acupuncture. 

I know.. I feel like a total badass with these babies.

For those of you who have never suffered from a mental illness, I don't expect you to understand. The concept that one would have to battle their own mind is a hard one to grasp. I do however, want you to know that mental illnesses of all forms are very real. And sometimes, such as with my anxiety, they can cause physical pain. Depression is more than just sadness.  It's not something that can be changed with the snap of your fingers. Though I want to be truly happy and work hard to be there, it isn't as simple as mind over matter. There are many walls that I need to tear down before I can get there. 

I plan to continue posting on this topic as I journey on the road to peace and self acceptance. 

I would like to delve into all the things that my mental illness has lead me to such as bouts of anorexia and binge eating, drug use and times of alcohol abuse. Yes.. I know you're surprised. You should be, I've worked so hard to hide all of these shameful things in my life. 

I also want to tackle the traumatic events that have helped fuel the fire of depression and anxiety. 

And someday, I will be able to really breathe again. 

I'm not proud, but the journey starts here. 

Today is a new beginning.

Afraid of the Dark

Hi, My name is Ashlee.

I'm 23 years old and I'm afraid of the dark.

Seriously. 

I always have been, most likely always will be. 

During my recent hospital stay, my nurse came in at 0700 for vitals and asked if I ever slept.. because she noticed that my lights and TV were on all night. After I told her what was up, she made fun of me for being a "big girl" now and still being scared. haha.

I used to need several lights on during the night but since I've been married, I've had to compromise with my husband. Now we just leave the hall light on and keep the door wide open - when he's home. 

& when he's not, I sleep on the couch with the TV and all 3 lights on! I used to keep my kids with me too but it's not fair that I subject them to my fears. So now I put them to bed in the dark.. in hopes that they don't grow up to be big scaredy cats like me.

It's extremely bad when I've watched a scary movie (which almost never happens because, well, I'ma scaredy cat!) More than once I've made my husband hold my hold through the house to get me to wherever I need to go. 

And he's such an instigator. He doesn't quite understand my fear and loves to turn lights off on me. I think he just enjoys my ridiculous reaction (which usually involves screaming like a 5 year old with tears ready to roll down my face)

The good news is.. We don't pay for electricity, thanks USMC. haha.

What are you afraid of?

Cry Now, Laugh later.

And that's just what I did.

Have you ever had cramps, or sore muscles or some unexplained pain anywhere on your body...

...And then looked it up on WebMD?

That's me. EVERY time. 

So the latest was cramping and low back pain- but it wasn't that time of the month. So what gives?

Cervical Cancer.

I was convinced.

Just so you don't think I'm completely loony, my grandmother passed away (before I ever met her) from  cervical cancer and my mother had a hysterectomy in her 30's to remove the tumors. and I had a slightly irregular pap right after Ronin, though Doc says that's fairly common in young women and during pregnancy as the immune system is low.

So, with my two symptoms, I was convinced. And I went to the doctor, totally ready for him to tell me I was dying or that I'd need surgery or chemo or whatever else.

And so as soon as he walked in, before he could even ask me what I was seeing him for, I burst into tears! 

Yes, just flat out sobbing. Embarrassing.

So my Doc, being the kind patient man that he is, says "Whoa, what's up?"

And I could barely squeeze out that I was just scared.

And it went like this:

Doc: (slight smirk on his face) Have you been reading WebMD?

Me: (Nod - Still sobbing)

Doc: And you think you have Cervical Cancer?

Me: (Sob Harder)

Doc: (Laughs)

via

Yeah... only a little embarrassing. How did he know me so well?!

Probably TMI but to drive the point home:

We chatted and he did some blood work and a urine sample.. Mild UTI. 

Ha. 

HaHa. 

I can only laugh now that it's over. 

And I'll probably have to hide my face from my doctor for a while.

Please tell me I'm not the only one!!!

Overcoming Fear.

Fear. 

I often like to believe that I am fearless, but I know just how much of my life is consumed with it. And as hard as it is to live by sometimes, I also know that I should have no fears as my faith in God should overpower them. 

Last night at my bi-monthly MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers!) meeting, we talked about fear and how it has consumed people in our country in the wake of the Sandy Hook shootings. How so many have said that they will now homeschool their children, or never go to a mall, or a movie theater? How they will put their life on hold because of this tragedy. 

Because where was God? 

What about the Gun gun control?

There are so many questions, and I can't say that I or anyone has all the right answers, but I do know that we ought to not be afraid to live our lives. There is no way of knowing what will happen during our days or when our last one will come. Just keep faith in God and know that he has a plan for all of us, whether we are here on earth for 6 years or 106, he has a divine plan. Trust it. 

Please, know in your heart that no matter how devastating and tragic were last weeks events, good will prevail. In some way, big or small.. the good will prevail.

There is no need to live in fear of the unknown. We have no control. 

Do not let Fear dictate your life and rob you of a chance to live a fulfilling life.

I didn't think I needed to hear these words, but I did.

Not even because of last weeks events, but because of the countless other things that I am afraid of. 

Because I am a mother.

And most of my days are spent being paranoid about my babies.

Because when my babies are sleeping I check on them several times to make sure they are still breathing.

And when I'm showering, I pop my head out 5 or 6 times because I swear I just heard one of them crying.

I keep them close because I am afraid to lose them. 

Often I don't let my oldest engage in activities that would benefit him because in some way I am afraid for him.

I need to stop letting fear consume my thoughts and my life.

Just live. 

Compassionately.

& Fully. 

Do not be afraid.

God will lead the way, Trust him.