The Giving Bowl

A few years ago I packed my entire life into my tiny little two door Chevy Cobalt and drove cross country to a little mountain town east of San Diego. I consider that Summer in Julian, CA to be one of the best summers of my life and if circumstances allowed, I'd go back in a heartbeat. A lot changed for me that summer. I moved so very far away, to be closer to the Marine that I had fallen in love with. And then I got engaged AND married. All in one summer. But those are just the big things. The most noted. 

I've always been a giving person, whether it a hug, a laugh, or a gift. I like to give. I like to see others happy. I give and give and give. And eventually the bowl that I've been giving from runs out. Empty. 

It was during my counsel for Brown Rag (Read more on the YMCA Ragger Program here) that my mentor used this analogy. In all of the two weeks that I had been at camp, he already saw this in me. I knew it was true but I was a bit creeped that he knew. And do you know what I did.. I avoided him every chance I got after that. I told other what a creep he was and chimed in if he was the topic of conversation. What an awful person I was, seriously. 

The funny thing is, those words never left me. That metaphor has stuck in my mind like glue. I've used it several times in arguments with my husband. When I've felt neglected in our marriage I've said that my bowl is empty and it isn't fair that I fill his and everyone else's while mine is left gathering dust. It's not fair. 

At least that's how I thought it worked.

Turns out I missed the important part of my mentor's message and over the last few months I've really been thinking about this metaphor and what he was really trying to say. I am a giver, and unless someone refills my giving bowl, eventually I will run out, burn out, become frustrated, empty, depressed, yada yada yada. I could go on and on about what my empty bowl could feel like and what it has felt like. But I was under the impression that someone else needed to fill my bowl, kinda like a you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours kind of thing. Yea, it doesn't work that way. 

I have found someone to fill my bowl though. And his love fills it endlessly. In fact most of the time now, it's overflowing. I've found that coming to know Christ, and I mean really knowing him, not just his name and birthday. Really knowing him deeply, knowing his love has given me what I needed all along. His love fills my heart and my "bowl". He gives to me so that I can give to others. When I need strength I can look to Him. When I feel lost or lonely, I know that I am not alone. When I worried that I may not have enough love for two children, he supplied. He does that for you and me. For everyone and anyone who has accepted him as their savior. That is amazing and I'm so thankful that I was able to plug him into the metaphor that was shared with me years ago. Though there is no doubt in my mind that that was not a chance meeting. Summer Camp, My mentor, those words... they were no accident or coincidence. That my friends, was an act of God. A real life intervention. I just had to wait a little while for the revelation. 

That being said, I think it's important to know that when you share the word of God, someone may not seem like they are listening. They may not seem to have heard your message. And maybe, just like me, they will just blow you off time and time again. Be patient. You don't need to know where they go, or when God find's them. just know that your words are part of the journey. 

My Baptism 2013

God always finds his people.

Thanks Rich.

New life; New Beginnings

It's been a few weeks since I've last posted. I didn't plan on taking that break, though I realize how much I needed it. 

When we were last here, I told you about my doctor's appointment and the diagnosis that did not surprise me, but I didn't want to hear. The outpouring of support following that post was beyond my expectations. So, thank you all for your supportive and encouraging words.

Like these chicks that have hatched outside my front door, I feel like I have been given new life. For the first time I feel like I can see clearly, and breathe freely. I don't feel blanketed by my own lies or desire to hide. And this is just the beginning. 

Chickies need their food and my new life, still in it's infancy, is no different. 

Enter God. 

I think we've discussed before that I have always believe, but my walk with Jesus has been staggering. Shortly after leaving my doctor's appointment, I prayed to God. A real rarity in my life, because .. well, I just never knew how. But I did, alone, in my car. Just me asking for a little bit of help. 

And being that Prayer is such a rarity in my life, I wasn't all too certain that it would be heard. But I had no where else to go and it was worth a shot. 

There was no rolling thunder. No instant flashing of lighting or horrendous rains falling from the heavens. No rainbows or butterflies subtly landing on my hand. There was no immediate sign. Nothing.   

And then that week a friend of mine from Church asked us to join her community group. We recently became members of our church and since this whole church thing was fairly new to us, we had yet to be plugged into a community group - something I had been wanting to do. Perfect. 

I had no idea how truly perfect it was. 

My friend dropped of the workbook for the bible study they were doing and when I opened it later that night I was almost in shock. I flipped through the pages and was near tears.

God really heard me. 

And he really answered.

The bible study our community group was starting was "The Power of the Praying Woman" - all about overcoming past obstacles, traumatic events, anxiety, depression, learning to forgive, and trust in God.

Hello? The pages we're practically screaming at me! 

I'm only two weeks into the study and I feel a change happening in my life already.

 I know have a long long road ahead of me but finally there is light at the end of the tunnel. 

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature;

 the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. 

2 Corinthians 5:17

For Tiffany.

As I sat in church this week, I listened to our Pastor talk about loving one another. 

In fact, Jesus commanded that we love one another.

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."

John 13:34

Meet Tiffany.

My best friend.

The only person who has ever loved me as Jesus did.
Who has never judged me in all my mistakes.

We met in Kindergarten. And on her first day of school, we had a tornado drill. 

She cried & I turned around and said "Don't worry, it's just a drill!" 

And we've been friends ever since. 

But I haven't always been a good friend. In fact, there were times when I was a pretty awful and absent friend. And through it all, she's been there. waiting for me to get my act together. Shaking her head, telling me I'm wrong, and being stupid. And loving me anyway. And showing me that God loves me. 

See, I never knew God. Until I got to high school, and even then I didn't really know him. 

I didn't know I needed him or wanted him, or that he could make my life so much better.

So I used other things to fill the voids. In high school it was all about fitting in.

 Looking cool. Keeping up. 

Alcohol. Sex. Drugs. Boys. Mischief. 

I remember sitting in an assembly once and I turned to a friend on one side of me and said, "watch this".. then every time Tiffany would start to talk I made a loud noise or said shut-up or be quiet and pretended to be really mad at her. She got upset and we laughed about it.  

I used to say some pretty awful things, because I thought I was being honest and that's the best policy right? No... you're opinion is never honesty or truth, it's your opinion and more often than not, it needs to be kept to yourself. Especially if you're a teenage girl in high school.

I can't believe I'm owning up to these because it makes me so sick to think about. 

I was really a mean girl. 

And it's funny because I'm not sure many people would remember that about me except my close friends... because they're the ones I hurt the most. 

Have you been there?

 I'd like to say I wish I hadn't but now I know how much of me has grown from there. But, I'm not at all proud and sometimes it makes me sick to my stomach.

I was an awful person. An awful friend.

To many good people, and good friends.

But mostly to Tiffany. 

Because it was easy. 

Because she loved me like Jesus loved me. Because no matter what I did or said, she was still a good friend to me. She never walked away, she never left me out to dry. She gave me a million and one second chances to be a better friend.

So, to you Tiffany, I want to say thank you.

Thank you for giving me a million and one second chances.

Thank you for giving me shelter when I had no where to go (literally!).

Thank you for being there for me whenever I have fallen.

Thank you for reminding me of lighter things when all I could see was darkness.

Thank you for being there when I found Jesus.

Thank you for reminding me that he is always there whenever I have forgotten. 

Thank you for putting up with me.
Thank you for all the nights and days like these filled with so many laughs and tears.

Thank you for being the most caring, loving, self-less, & giving person I have ever known. 

Please don't ever forget how amazing you are and know that you have impacted my life a thousand times over. 

I love you.